Ummm

I feel really kind of .... at the moment, in that I don't know how to put it (not that it is a swear word!). I have a headache, but that isn't it. I still haven't finished the other house, but that isn't it (that isn't really true, of course, but I am feeling tragically fatalistic: How I feel is beyond the hopelessness of that place). It isn't the book, although it may be the complete and total absence of the book! It isn't the church, because that is keeping me right busy. It may well be study, which seems like a great and heavy weight at the moment (although I still find it very very interesting!).

I don't know. I am feeling bashfully embarrassed at the progress of this blog - as well as anything else in my life - but I also feel fatalistically realistic about it: I have just been too wrecked. My journal is no better off, and has much the same excuses. Oh, dear Lord, I don't know, I'm just worn thin and empty.

How many times have I typed/written/thought that? I so look forward to getting out of this slump, but I am still in it. I am worn out, but I am not out of it. I am struggling, and there is more coming. Soon I start EDU110, HST330, LCS31, LTR110, and VIS28, plus on campus studies starting up with LIT11, NOV21, NON11 and POE11. And at the moment, I don't feel like I'll ever be rid of HST310 and POI22!

I just want a break, and then be into what I am looking forward to and free of what I want to leave behind (don't we all!) But that is not how it is - don't I know it - and I've got to do what I've got to do, and I have to live for how it is, rather than how I wish, and this knowledge does not help me at all.

Hopefully, soon, my posts will be different.

The haze

I have just read The Name of the Rose by Umberto Eco in my in between times, and on the sixth day the abbey is enshrouded with fog, which obscures people, buildings, everything. This is perhaps a good analogy for how I feel, in that everything is a haze, obscured by tiredness. I am totally wrecked, and I mean totally. I am not sleeping well, I am working at the other house every day, I am worn out. Indeed, the only night recently I slept particularly well at all was the ohter night when I sat up late reading, and even then I still didn't have a long enough sleep. And I wake up every morning with a sore back as well.

I am worn out.

I have had to defer two units this SP; CMM26 and VIS 28. This is because I just couldn't keep up. I would have deferred the other two - HST310 and POI22 - but for various reasons I can't. And so I have had to take the day off from the other house to catch up on them, because I am too far behind.

I am worn out.

V. is just a haze. Music is just a haze. Everything is just a haze, and I just want to sleep.