One step at a time...

Well, things are still progressing, but at times I almost lose hope. But, in retrospect, we are getting there. The floors are sanded, and have one coat of polish (and they look so much better). The walls and ceilings are painted, and by the end of this day so will the picture rails, skirting boards, architraves, etc. By the end of the week, two more coats of floor goop will be down, and the kitchen should be in. So, the other house is ticking towards completion, thank the Lord for that.

As for study, assignments are slowly finding their way from the "due" pile to the "done" pile. Assignments done since the last post include:

• POI21: A1
• VIS15: A8
• LST210: A5
• VIS15: A9

So, I guess, things are getting somewhere. I'm not sure if I feel it though.

In two days, exams start - something to look forward to, I guess.

Anyway, better get round to the other house, by joy by gum, by golly! Yay. Here I go.

Time to wake up

By jingo, i almost feel like I've slept for the last few days, and in saying that I also feel like I haven't slept! To explain, I have got absolutely nothing done over the last few days, apart from the fancy dress at church. On the other side, the kids have been waking me up at night, and I feel really wrecked. Golly.

Today, I have to finish at least two assignments, and when I say that I really mean it or I'll be in big trouble. I'll also need to put some new stuff on C.B.'s web site for her this evening. That is a relatively small thing, though, as the assignments are the big nasties for the day.

And I just want to sleep!

I really don't know how I'll get through this, I really don't. But I have no choice.

I just can't wait to get rid of the other house, I really can't. I am so looking forward to getting back to a simple life, a life that is liveable and enjoyable, where I can have my part in the family and be glad of it. At the moment, everything is shoved out of the way for this infernal other house. But, soon, it will be done, and then I will be rejoicing, and trust me, I won't be putting myself in the same position again, by gum! I don't want to stand back and say, "Golly, look at what we achieved; let's do it again". No, I will enjoy just studying and writing - two things which are suffering at the moment. I will enjoy being a dad, something which is taking the backseat while I slave with sanders and hammers and paintbrushes, etc. I will enjoy being involved in what I really believe in.

So, having winged excessively, I now turn to the nasties for the day, and get into it. I have no choice.

Wood dust keeps falling on my head...

By jiminy, by gum, by golly, I am a tad on the sore and tired side. I have been sanding the floors at the other house for twelve hours a day for the last few days, and it is not a walk in the park. All the floors are done with the belt sander and edging sander, apart from the laundry and bathroom (ahh....the bathroom). On Saturday I will finish with the laundry and bathroom, and then run the "Go West..." evening at church. On Monday I will use the finishing sander and put down the first layer of goop. On Tuesday I will finish the goop and put down another coat. On Wednesday I will finishing sand for the last time and then put down the final layer of goop, and then not go back there for days.

Hooray.

Between times, I have an assignment for POI21, and another for VIS15, to finish. Gosh. The POI21 will keep me up late, I can tell.

Right now I am on campus in NOV11. This is fortuitous, because I haven't touched V. for a while. I'll try and get a bit done today of C3: Cult. Otherwise, it'll be work work work. Better get to it. As they say;

There is no rest for the wicked.

I just didn't realise I was so wicked. I'm beginning to wonder if there is any rest for the righteous, either. Oh, well.

Mixed feelings

Well, VIS14:A2 is done - hooray - and I have started LST210:A4, but I have mixed feelings thus far. I think I have gone well to get as much done as I have got done, but then again, I havn't got as much done as I would have hoped. I am really happy with some of the pictures for VIS14:A2, especially Floating drapery, but then, I am not so happy with others. I think LST210:A4 should be relatively easy, but then I think there will be a bit to it as well.

Maybe I am just in a mid-assignment batch lull, I don't know. Maybe I am just tired. Maybe I am just over-wrought by how much is on my plate. However, I feel as flat as the proverbial tack, so to speak.

I have sent off a V. submission, and while I am happy to have got it done, there are mixed feelings about it as well. What if it is not well received? What if it is well received, but the rest isn't? What if it is well received, but I just can't get any more together? What if...

Now is the time for the grit I mentioned previously; I've just got to keep going. no-one ever got anywhere by going nowhere. So for better or worse, VIS14:A2 has been done, and LST210:A4 just has to be done, and then POI21:A1 also has to be just done. Likewise, C3 of V. just has to keep going. Furthermore, the other house has to be ready on Monday for sanding.

This is how life is.

In the shadow of the climb ahead

How do you eat an elephant? One spoonful at a time.

This is a typical and abstractedly useless saying that I have heard in regards to having to complete a huge task. I mean, how rediculous is it, one spoonfull at a time. It makes an elephant sound like a huge construction made of ice-cream. I mean, consider the tendons; what is a spoon going to do to them? And then there are the bones. I even doubt whether a spoon would get through the skin of an elephant, let alone be able to scoop it into easy mouthfuls. No, this supposedly inspiring and encouraging statement should be ammended to be more realistic.

How do you eat an elephant? With the help of specialised tools (like a very big over, a large selection of large knives, hammers, etc), a huge blender, endless supplies of herbs and spices, and a very very very strong stomach! A spoon, while helpful in the later stages, is optional.

How do you complete two assignments in a day? One spoonful at a time - HAH. One spoonful at a time is how assignments drag from one day to another. So how do you complete two assignments in a day? With:

• grit - you have to push yourself in the extremis.
• resolve - you have to let them go when the time is up.
• plenty of spicy chicken soup to keep you awake!

But right now, the task ahead looms over me like a mountain, dark, cold, and obviously impassable. There are dangers there, wild creatures, obscure questions, unknown concepts lurking to trip one up. And there is that fear, that even though the mountain is without a doubt insurmountable, it must be climbed.

It is cold in the shodow of the climb ahead, a coldness that sends shivers from deep within the heart. It is cold and lonely - you stand in the shadow alone. It is the cold grip of fear, of failure sending its questing tendrils into your soul. But no matter how long you stand, cold, alone, and fearful, the mountain remains, growing slightly every moment, bloated from digesting the passing minutes that could be used in scaling it.

So this is my mountain; VIS14:A2 and LST210:A4. And tomorrow, POI21:A1. Then the next day, and the next, and the next, the last days before the sander is hired during which so much must be done at the other house. A range of mountains, high, cold, and aloof, one after the other. Truly, it is not the mountain we must conquer, but ourselves.

Time flies when you are having fun (?!?)

Well, so they say...

Where has the time gone? The answer is simple - to the other house. I have been plastering and sanding and nail-punching and putting up architrave, picture rail and skirting boards, hour after hour, day after day. This is for several reasons.

• Firstly, in a bit over a week I will be sanding the floors, so the nail punching and puttying and plastering - amongst other things - needs to be done before then. We also wnat the first coat of painting to have been done by then too,
• Secondly, in a bit over half a month, the new kitchen will be installed, so the floors need to be sealed and the walls completely painted by then.
• Thirdly, in a little over five or six weeks, I want it on the market, so that means the interior needs to be finished, the outside painted, and the garden tidied.
• Fourthly, by Chrsitmas, I want the place sold!

So work is progressing there at an all-consumiong rate, hence my being home today rather than on campus completing VIS15: A6.

I have also printed out the submission, and M. has taken it to post it. On the side ( and it has slowed down dramatically this week) I am red-inking chapter three of V., which is good (it is now an amalgum of what was chapters three and four). I want to cut out a fair bit from this chapter (8000 words?). So plenty is happening. I also got a first draft done of the third chapter of SU:MC1, which is good, although Catherine savaged it! (I can see her points though, but then again it was a very quick first draft!). I need to rework it. So much to do, by golly. However...

You've just got to do what you've got to do.

So time is flying, by gum, just look at it go. So I guess it is up to me to make sure that I have fun while it speeds by! Anyway, time is flying, what fun, so I better get and do what I've got to do.

Only a week or so!!!

It seems like a month or more has passed since I last posted to this journal; unbelievable. All I can say is that it has been on the busy side of hectic for the last week or so, by gum! However, there has been some (although not enough!) real progress here in the bunker.

I have really been getting somewhere in the other house. I have pulled out a wall and a kitchen, and put in a bathroom and a laundry. Likewaise, for V. I have finished C1 and have moved into C2, which seems to be travelling quite acceptably. On campus studies are going quite alright at the moment (although I have a book review coming up for a book that I haven't read as yet). The class web-zine is coming along - at last - , as is Cat's.

It is only uni that isn't getting anywhere, although I plan to get into the next LST210 assignment in the nest couple of days. it will be hard because I am so tired, but that is how it goes.

Any, last week seems like several years ago, so I will take that as an indication that my life is full, and choose to believe that it is full of good things.

I think I can...

Now here's a thing. Last night I had a bit of a realisation (ka-ching), and I realised that blogging before I work of an evening would probably be better in some ways than blogging after I work. Why is this so, you ask? Well let me tell you, and not just in prose, but in dot points!

• Firstly, it means that I blog, rather than what has generally been happening, which can be best summarised by the thought, "I should blog right now, but I am so tired, blow it, I'll just go to bed..."
• Secondly, it will hopefully mean that there are less errors, spelling mistakes, pointless repetitions, and bemoaning rambles.
• Thirdly, it kind of gets the fingers and head going, in that I have crossed the writing "edge", and am writing, which will hopefully cross over into whatever I am working on.

Sounds goo in theory, doesn't it. However, I didn't get to test out my theory because I was so tired that I went to bed.

I have been round at the other house today, sawing, framing, drilling and climbing around in the roof. I got a bit done, which was good, but I came home with an absolute cracker of a headache. I took a couple of pain killers, so now I am a little bit worried that they might make me drowsy as well. I'll soon see, I guess. Until then, I have to keep going.

Another realisation that I had was that I don't use the block quote feature of this blog enough, in that I have not used it at all.

So it's probably about time I rectified that (which I think I may just have done). Despite that rather frivolous usage of it, I shall have to remember it for future reference.

Anyway, I have got the old fingers tap-tap-tapping, so I might just spring into it without any more loody-doo.

P.S. I can see, looking at what I have just typed, that the title of this piece seems to bear very little relationship to the text. This is for several different reasons:

1. I had a lot of tourble as it was deciding on a title;
2. I need to keep going while I still can; and
3. Because my mind is a bit of a mess at the best of times.

The reason I chose "I think I can..." for a title is because I think I can keep going tonight. I know, not very profound. Sorry to disappoint you.

Everything has a cost...

Well, everything is progressing pretty much according to plan, which is fantastic. But the cost is starting to hit home, and I'm afraid I might drop the bundle. The other house is getting worked on even more so now that the holidays are upon us, but in reality it is no holiday for me, and it has put - perhaps - even more pressure on me.

I need to keep going. I cannot let tiredness rob me of the advantage that I have gained. Having said that, I cannot survive on half a nights sleep (or less) indefinitely, and the time will come where I will crash. I just have to make sure that, when I do crash, it doesn't come at the expense of everything else.

But perhaps the biggest fear is the drain before the crash. I would rather just crash than suffer from a period of being drained, where you try to get somewhere but instead sink into a grey world of nothingness. I have to avoid the drain, and if I find myself on the edge, I have to either step back and crash, or charge forward and keep moving.

I almost don't feel human. I am merely a shell, into which must pour information, and out of which must spout assignments, and through which renovations must be brought about. But, if I step back, I know that this feeling could be the first step into the drain. So I must decide; crash or charge? If I charge will I make the drain worse? If I crash will I be missing the capability to keep moving on?

So these are the questions: How far can I push myself, what will be the cost of it, and can I afford the cost? Perhaps I will not know until it is too late.

Achievement

Well, I feel almost delirious with lack of sleep, but everything I planned to get done this week is done, although I still have a full weekend in front of me. I have just finished red-inking the first chapter of V., which is something I have been wanting to get done for some time. Well now, with pressure and hard work, it has been done.

Life has surely been busy for the last week. Melia turned five on Sunday, Alex turned seven on Tuesday, and Hannah turned three yesterday. Yes, it is that week. And now, it is holidays, so the plate laid out is still full. We are cranking up the level of work on the other house, and I still have to keep up my studies.

And let's not forget V., which I am still going to push myself on.

In the next few months I want to redraft and red-ink more chapters, perhaps the first quadrant!

But now, this week's work is done (apart from mowing tomorrow, and a talk and chorus session, and other miscelaneous tasks) and I am tired. I am feeling sick with tiredness. So I go to bed feeling, at last, that I have got somewhere, and have truly earned it.

So far, so good...

Well, I'm tired, and I want to go to bed, but all the hard work seems to be paying off. Thus far, this round of units is going well. Since my last post I have got an assingment done for LST210, a folio for VIS14, and two activities done for VIS15. Not bad hey. By the end of this week I'll have done another activity for VIS15, which will really have me on the front foot.

So so far, so good, as long as I can keep this up. And at the moment, that doesn't seem too hard, although I think I'll suffer from moments of serious-lack-of-motivation-due-to-tiredness. I am even spending time on the weekends on the house and garden, and one day a week at the other house cleaning it up.

So far, so good.

And V. is progressing better than it has for a while, which is very heartening. It is becoming leaner, and is no longer beating the reader about the head and body with information like it used to. And shorter, yes, by gum. So far, so good...

On campus studies are also getting back into the swing of things, as such, so generally, everything on this side of life is proceeding as planned.

So far, so good........

Now all that is required is for me to keep pushing myself to keep up this momentum, because while it is good how things have gone so far, this far is not far enough, so things being so good is - one must not forget - reliant on a major qualification, and therefore things having gone so good so far is most definitely no reason to back off. If I do, then soon it will no longer be so far, so good. So "So far, so good" is not a heartening statement but a warning and a threat; I have only come so far so good, and there is still a long way to go.

Looking ahead

Well, I sorted out my assignments for this round of units, and there is going to be more of less, in that there will be more assignments, but on average they are smaller. Indeed, I will need to be ticking off about two a week for most weeks to get there in the end. Getting behind will not be an option. On the other side of the coin, I am really looking forward to getting into VIS14 and VIS15, which is fantastic.

On campus will become silly again after tomorrow. "ADD" and "PL" need to be sorted out, and I am not supposed to be doing all of the work, but for that to occur I need to develop a system whereby others can take on some of the work in a coordinated way. I'll figure it out during the break tomorrow.

On the creative side, I can use SU-MC1 for WCH13, which is brilliant. I can edit chapters one and two, and get onto three and four. Ideally, I would love to get up to the meeting between M and his father, but that would be well beyond the requirements. V. is the project that really requires action now, rather than SU-MC1.

Furthermore, I really need to get my name out there. There are several literary journals that publish short stories, poetry, and essays, plus there are also competitions. I think I should polish up some essays for them, and get some short stories into both the journals and the competitions. Polish polish polish, that is the key. And when a story is taken out of the competition circuit, put it in to be published.

In a way, I think this may be squeezing my time, but I need to do it. If I don't get out there, I won't get anywhere. As M. and I were discussing tonight, with seven children, to give them the education that we want to provide them with, as well as other things in their lives, I will need an extraordinary income, more than my studies will give me anyway. So therefore, to a certain degree, time expended on getting there now is an investment for the future. Having said that, I only get one time with my kids, so I cannot put my time with them at risk, because I will never get it back again. It is a balance, and I constantly need to re-sort my priorities, and when I have to work I have to let my children know, "I would rather be with you", and it has to be true! And when I am with them, I have to reinforce it, "I would rather be here with you", so that they can say, "Hey, dad is with me because he wants to be", and, "Dad is working at the moment, but he'd rather be with me". After all, I also have to give them the role-model of a man who works, as well as providing the role-model of a Dad who cares and spends time with them.

Balance, balance, balance........

So, I guess I'm feeling relatively bouyant today. I suppose so. I didn't stun myself with everyting I got done, but I am happy with what I got done, and I went to Melia's kinder thing, and she gave me Father's Day things and was so terribly excitedly happy that it has brought me such a fierce proud joy, and the realisation that I love having a large bunch of kids as mine.

I am a truly blessed man.

FOR POSTERITY'S SAKE:

As per normal, the kinder ladies asked Melia some questions and wrote down the answers. Here they are.

My dad is 5 years old; because he has already had his birthday.

My dad's favourite food is liver, strawberry and cupcakes.

My dad's favourite thing to do is cleaning up the rooms.

When my dad is busy he is doing the shopping and it's a bit hard vacuming.

My dad's favourite T.V. show is "Monsters Inc." and watching the "news".

My dad gets angry when the children do the wrong thing.

My dad is happy when the children do the right thing.

Liver?!?

One after the other

Well, the last assignment for NET11 has been completed, which means that I am now finished that "round" of units off-campus, and am ready to start the next round. These are LST210, POI21, VIS14 and VIS15. Actually, to be honest, I'm looking forwards to the two Visual Arts Theory units; something different to break things up a bit.

Assignment-wise, there seems to be more of less, in that there are more assignments, but they are - on average - smaller. I'd like to think that this is a good thing, but whatever thing it is it's what I've got so I'll battle on regardless.

M will be happy that I've finished these units; this round of units - or particularly the last two weeks of it - have been fairly rough on her. I won't say we've been strangers, because we haven't, but we've missed each other. The kids won't notice the change; I worked hard at trying to maintain some normality with them.

This round I have to do things differently. I have to maintain a viable lifestyle. I have to complete enough study to be getting ahead every week. I need to be spending some time each week on V. I need to spend some time each week on the other house, to start getting it in a more acceptable condition. I need to spend time with my family, and on this, and on that. And let's not forget on-campus studies, which are only going to get busier.

So there is no time to rest yet. The future looks busy, and just as I lay this round to rest, another stomps in, bright and bold, big and daunting.

Life, as always, and ever, one thing after the other.

Satisfaction

I have got all of my assignments completed except for one - NET11 - and the feeling I have right now, having just submitted one for NET12 electronically, is quite satisfying. I feel like I am there, home and hosed, over the last hurdle, and any other cliches that you can think of. In addition to this, I went to the Writers' Festival today with the on campus students and it was great. I kind of feel like I am getting it all back together again.

I have felt very distant from my on campus studies for a while; detached. I've missed so much this term due to various illnesses, and then having to catch up with studies off campus.

But now I've almost caught up - smug smug smug smug - oh I feel happy.....

At least until I have to start the assignment for NET11, but that is not for days (or day at least!)

I feel happy......

Yes, and so on that note, I think I'll go to bed before midnight. Hows that, hey. Before midnight. And this weekend, we're going for a drive, and I might even get to watch a movie, hey. So what do you think of that.

Mmmm, yes, off I go to bed, goody goody goody.

Toodles.

A good day

Well, today, on the whole, generally speaking, as a rule of thumb, as the crow flies, whence coming from whence it came, thenceforth and thusly, tumpty-tumpty-tumpty-tum, has been, as such and suchforth, quite an acceptable day. The assignment for LCI21 is done, and by ingo it feels good to have got it done. This leaves only three: one each for HST220, NET11 and NET12. The one for HST220 is only supposed to take 90 minutes (although I need to do some reading before I attempt it), and the other two are not excessively long essays. So things are looking good!

I can never do these things as fast as I hope. Despite this, LIC21 is done, and there is a feeling of satisfaction in that it didn't drag on forever. Maybe it will be marked badly. Maybe it is a load of pointless drivel. Maybe it will be my first assignment to be marked in the negatives. I don't care; I sat down and I got it done.

So now I am free to get on with it.

Actually, I am looking forward to doing the reading for HST220; it should be interesting. Likewise, NET11's essay doesn't look too bad! NET12 will probably be a little trickier in some ways. It is more ethereal, and my mind doesn't work in ethereal ways. Non concrete things, such as poetry, just don't make sense; I just don't get them! (This doesn't count for Pam Ayers, Roald Dahl or Dr. Thuess). This is very much an Asperger's thing. But is it an indictment on my writing?

You see, when I was studying LCS16 (which had a lot of work on poetry) I really struggled - i.e., walking up and down the hallway spasmodically and saying loudly in a frustrated tone, "This is stupid!". In one of the readings it said that metaphor was the key to poetry. Now seeing as me and poetry (apart from humourous rhyme, which is rather down on the metaphor-count) don't see eye to eye, and metaphor is supposed to also be a powerful part of all writing (especially to literary studies lecturors who can pull the most amazing metaphors out of classical literature), is my writing going to lack something?

Once again, the scary head of Asperger's raises itself and casts a shadow over my life. But oh well, I am how I am, and I would just consider myself metaphorically-challeneged if I had never heard of Asperger's, so what difference does it make? About as much difference as a pig and a medical laboritry (that was simile, not metaphor; me and simile are good mates).

Maybe story can be lost in metaphor (I think even Yeats may have made this point about his own poems later in his career; he had hidden the message so deeply in the metaphorical ehteralism that most people had no idea what he was going on about!). Well, it's times like this I need to read my own writing and do a JRR; start to know that it is good again. Sure, it has problems. Sure, it needs editing - the third pearl in the writers' jewels. But it is good.

I'll get by.

Golly, it's getting on, and I want to get a lot done tomorrow, so I better go. I need to get a couple of assignments done tomorrow, because on Friday I have the Writers' Festival in Melbourne. My eyes are starting to droop, and my bed is calling to me softly, "Come home, come home, come home...."

Goodnight.

Up and out

Well, it's probably a good thing, in some ways, that I haven't blogged for the last few days. Can I just state for the record (and supposedly this blog is a record) that they haven't been the easiest few days. Late nights, eating unhealthy snacks to stay awake, feelings of self-doubt and hopelessness....cheery cheery stuff.

I guess it comes down to the fact that I felt I had too much to do, so much more than I could actually achieve, and that I was - essentially - incapable of achieving it. Or to put it another way, I felt I was in a greasy pit, sinking, drowning, with no way out.

But then something happened!

I slept!

And now I feel better. The assignment for HST220 is done, and I feel so much better. Now I'm getting into an assignment for LCI21, but I feel like it is not beyond me. I feel like if things go pear shaped, I'll still be OK. I feel like I am relaxing a bit as well - sometimes having to force myself - which is also good. For example, Melia had a pet day at kinder yesterday. M is not so good with the cats, so if Melia were to be able to take one it was up to me to take her. My first reaction was, "I'm sorry, but I don't have the time". But I didn't. It wouldn't really take that much time, and couldn't I afford some time to make my daughter happy? So I took her and Milo. She was rapt, and Milo went well, so it was all good. And I felt better for it as well.

And then I got into the assignment and it just flowed.

I have to admit it was an interesting assignment. I was looking at the brutality of the French government during the Algerian conflict between 1956 and 1962. It sounds like it was pretty bad (although lets not forget the attrocities committed by the FLN!), and really brought home how dehumanising war is. How can we expect people confronted with attrocities to keep a clear and level head? Surely it is the role of the government to control the army? Anyway, the French government didn't; it just let its army go, and it went, and systematic torture and abuses of human rights were the results. (Read this article by Adam Shatz if you want to know more.)

What is the scary part? In the press recently (such as this article by John Barry, Michael Hirsh and Kichael Isikoff) we have had what I would call attrocities committed by a present-day army in a current area of conflict. And what is the ultimate reason? The government responsible has let the army go in response to 9/11.

It is the responsibility of government to control its army. Government has to set acceptable rules of behaviour, outline and define unacceptable behaviour, and remove people who cross the line. If they don't, if they remove the line, attrocities follow. So keep an eye on your governments, readers. They may not want these kind of things to happen, but they have to ensure that they don't.

Anyway, pleasant stuff. Interesting though.

Anyway, I'm up and out of the pit now and still have plenty to do, so I better keep at it.

The treadmill

There are times where I feel that I am stumping forward, ever onward, ever upward, but never really getting anywhere. The fact of the matter is that in the next ten days I have two assignments due for HST220, one for LCI21, three for NET11, and another for NET12. But I do feel like I am ticking them off, one by one? No. I feel I am fighting with them, ever struggling but not really moving forward at all. True, one of the assignments for NET11 is practically done and another is well on its way, but I still feel like they are presenting me with too much struggle.

Oh, well, you've got to do what you've got to do, I suppose.

Soon, they will all be done - I have no choice about that - and it will be the start of a new study period; new subjects, new assignments, much more time. And this time I really do believe that things will be different. M really is a lot better than she has been for I don't know how long - the only reason I have been able to get anything done! And as she improves, I am getting the space to look at myself and realise that I am quite a faulty person - I mean, more faulty than I feel comfortable with. The stress and pressure of her sickness, and my work mounting up while I cared for her, had pushed me into a corner of stress and dehumanisation that made me feel like an empty shell; something I don't want to be.

You see, I like to live, and more abundantly. I am someone who seeks to have fun even when I am not doing fun things. And nothing has been fun - not because they have changed, but because I had.

So now I need to hop off the treadmill. I may not get anywhere any faster, but I have to break the monotony, live a little, let loose and be the goose, and let everything be dancing the funky chicken once more.

Oh dear...

You see, I had just kind of rationalised in my head the relationship between my work, my day, my blog and my journal, and then on the same day I went and messed it up. Although, I have to admit, I did it with good music playing! (You have to look for the positive in every situation, you see.)

You see, and for all of my dedicated readers (oh look, there goes the Queen....nope, she was knocked over by a flying pig), I have to make an admission that may make you gasp, choke and then spit your drink out in shocked betrayal. You see, I also have a journal, in that it is a small book with nonline paper in which I scratch away with a pen. "Why?" you say, "Why do you have this other journal? I though you were telling us about your life, such as it is." Well, let me try and achieve your understanding, my dear reader.

It goes like this; I had my paper journal first, and I found it helpful and useful. In it I capture more private things, and also thoughts, inspirations, and scratchings about my writing and learning. I was told at the biginning of FIC11 last year that:

• most (or many, or some, or maybe just one or two) successful writers from history kept writer's journals;
• many (or at least a few) modern published and successful (or at least more successful thus far than I) writers keep writer's journals; and
• when I am mega famous (?!?!?) I can donate it to a charity auction, and its sale price can be taken off my taxable income; plus
• when I am dead and well beyond mega famous, but have reached legendary status (?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?), my children can sell them for millions.

Needless to say, I am dubious, but I started one anyway. And I liked it.

So why the blog?

Well, as I said a few days ago, I wanted to capture my journey from here to there, V written and published, study done and passed, and myself perhaps stronger and better as a father and husband. I want this to - perhaps - capture my more personal journey, less of events and specifics (like which assignment I am working on or which child got into trouble at school), but more the spirit of my journey - my motivation, my feelings about myself, my hopes, my good and my less than good times. My journal is more prosaic, and at times more private. This blog is perhaps more personal.

Well, something like that.

So, I do my journal at the start of the day - what am I working on, what are my goals for the day, what happened yesterday - and I do my blog at the end of the day - whether I met my goals for the day, how I felt about the day, how I feel about my progress. And when I had sorted this out in my head, I then didn't do it. Typical. I collapsed at my desk last night. I just haven't been getting enough sleep. Look at these bed times - 2.00am, 1.00am, 2.00am, 3.00am, 6.30am, camping - i.e., poor sleep -, 3.00am, 2.00am. So I collapsed. I tried to tell M that I couldn't do anything, but I couldn't even get down the steps to the loungeroom. Apparently she found me lying on the top of the bed sideways fully dressed, and had to bully me to get into bed. I was a wreck. So, I didn't get this blog done (or the assignment for NET11).

Oh well.

But at least I had good music playing, so all is not lost.

Anyway, I had better get on with everything for today, including finisheing everything and getting my end of day post done for this blog.

I just caught up

"Beginnings - a journal". I looked at that name and realised, 'Hey, it bears an ethereal and poetic resemblance to "Beginnings - a journey". Then I wondered if I could pretend that I had meant that all along in some fantastically poetry-in-motion look-at-the-art-in-that way. Then I realised that I probably wouldn't be able to con anyone, and besides, I had just admitted it to everyone, so it was proabably pretty pointless trying. So I didn't.

Sometimes I have these thoughts, and I wonder, 'Is this abnormal?' You see, one of my sons, Alex, is going through the process of formal diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome (if you don't undertand what Asperger's is, have a look at the A4 site), and as we go through all the information and rigmorall, I find that I am probably an undiagnosed case of Asperger's. Looking at Alex from the outside, I see myself and it makes much of my childhood make sense. At times I find it not a little scary.

My childhood, now there is a murky place that I delve into very carefully. On campus yesterday, in CHI13, I had to write about the worst time in my life, and I have to admit, it sounded pretty grim. But it is not good for myself to sink into that self-centred pit of despair and general moaning about. I am only too aware of how many other people had childhoods in a whole different league of unpleasantness than mine. I also am coming to beleive that unpleasant childhoods are very much the norm.

Anyway, what a laugh CHI13 was, ha ha ha. Nevertheless, yesterday was a good day, although a tiring one (not because of excessive physical activity, but merely because I only got one hours sleep the night before). I caught up on a lot of on campus stuff, and even got some editing (and I am not talking about a paragraph, but MORE) done on V. Then I got home and got a cake, and children loving me for my cake, and a CD ('The Joshua Tree' by U2, by gum). Then, I went camping with Josh.

For those of you who are reading this (I have this delusion that people will actually read this), it is winter here. Maybe you are sitting in the Northern Hemisphere, watching the Olympics and thinking, "By gum, I'd like to go camping - look at that sunshine!". Well, here it is raining and cold enough for me to say that it's cold. But we went camping anyway! And it was fun, and I slept badly, and that's what it's all about, and we ate sausages and hamburgers, and they were disgusting, and that's what it's all about, and we got muddy and smokey, and that's what it's all about.

Now I have to catch up with some assignments for NET11 now that I've caught up, but first I had to catch up, and now I have.

...and so it started.

The blog, that inimical wonder of the new Internet life that has swept us all up, now has a little part of myself encapsulated for posterity - should it interest anyone. And so it begins.

Today has been a good day, in that I have got somewhere and done something, and been someone. My kids were fun tonight. Melia - as always - was cute, as was Hannah although she was tired. Well, to be totally honest, most of them were tired, but life is sometimes like that.

Look at me.

The two littlest climbed into our bed last night, a sure-fire way to ensure that I slept all bent up like a paperclip (Do paperclips sleep well? Will we ever know?). So all aching and groaning and muttering I creaked my way into the day.

And what a day. I was on campus today for my Diploma of Arts in Professional Writing and Editing. M was at a seminar-like thing about food and children (and how additives can contribute to asthma and autism and ADHD, and probably a good many other things starting with "A"). Melia and Hannah were at Family Day Care. Josh, Ali, Amber, Alex and Sam were all at school. Getting everyone out the door this morning was as frantic as.......well it was frantic.

I worked on V at school during NOV11, but didn't get far. Sometimes on campus is a great place to get lots done, and other times it isn't. Today it wasn't. After lunch - which I sat typing through - we had EDT12, but as much as I got all of the work done, I don't feel like I got anything of worth done, other than collating a list of all the work I need to do to catch up from both M's and my illnesses. It never ends.

So now I sit here, at home, the kids in bed, M reading about allergies, my computer in front of me with a screen full of work for me to do for NET11. Except, now it is taken up with a screen full of blog. My blog, such as it is. A beginning, a start.

"What are you going to put in this blog?" I ask myself (Not a particularly original question, I admit).

I will try to capture the process.

"What process?!" I ask, exasperated at my own vaguery.

The process, you know, my journey, from here to there......

You will see already that I am not the world's best conversationalist, and there is - unfortunately - no way that this blog can capture my animated gesticulations.

But I will try my best to outline my journey. I am, now, sitting here, a student, and a writer. But am I? Well I am a student, but that in itself indicates a journey, from here to the end of my studies, far off in some distant reality where there will no longer be any assignments due on Friday. I am a writer, in that I write, but I am not a writer in that people walk into the book store and say, "Behold, there lieth that book by that there writer who shall henceforth be known as Ewan D. Harris, and lo, it is published." I am a father, but only as far as I have learned and grown, and there is much more to learn and develop, both for my sake and for the sake of my children. And I am a husband, but I am in an ever-changing relationship with a fragile and special woman.

These journeys will never end, but I am looking towards a rather arbitrary point where I take a step into another phase. I will have ceased being a tertiary student and become a student of life. I will have ceased being a writer unknown and be published. I will have grown as a man, as a father, as a husband, as a person.

I have a long way to go. But I can see that there is a journey to take. Life is not stagnant. Every day is a start, and today is no different. And so my blog has a name.....

Beginnings - a journal.