Long time, no see

Study is rediculous, to be honest. I guess I am finding my limitations. I am nearly at the end of HST140, HST240, LCS32, LCS33 and LTR120, but I have not nearly finished them. And next Sp I am doing more! CJR350, CMM26, CMM28, PSY210, PSY230 and VIS210. That is not a little.

Having said that, I am feeling alright. V is progressing well, I am spending good time with the family, and life is O.K. - although the other house is at a bit of a stand still.

Oh well, you can't have everything.

V was at a complete stand still for a long time there, which was depressing. However, just recently I figured out something, and since then it has flowed again. It was the start of the next section that was holding me up, and once I had figure out the first sentence, it all started to work. And the new start gave it a leaner, real-er feel, with a more concrete experience when compared to the empty-philosphical waffle that had existed previously.

And now I feel I am pretty much ready to tick off another assignment, which is good because it is very late.

Things are happening, life is progressing, and I am getting closer to my goals, which is always good. I just can't wait until this SP is finished.

Touching base

Well, a month has gone (where did it go?), and in many ways my life is just the same, and in other ways it is different (that was either so profound that I don't understand it, or so obvious that it was farcical to bother typing it). Anyways, I have escaped from the depths of HST310 and POI22 (yes, they were interesting and all, but life was just so urgh at the time that I felt as if I were drowning). However, I have started HST330, LCS31, LTR110, EDU110 and VIS28, as well as NOV21 and POE11, so life is still very busy, and looks to remain so. I'm really finding them interesting though, and am also enjoying rereading The Odessey by Homer. If I don't enjoy my study, then I won't enjoy it, so I had better just enjoy it.

Easter has come and gone, and mixed with Church camps, optometrists, funerals, school, birthdays, parties and otherwise, it has proved to be a fairly crazy time. However, it was enjoyable, and while at camp I still managed to get a couple of assignments done. Yay. So, while I still have to hustle now, I feel like going away didn't destroy me.

The other house is progressing even more slowly, but is starting to pick up. He is causing us trouble over Gosh again, but the Lord is going to really white-wash the situation this time - especially seeing as he chooses to attack the Lord directly. Hah!

The book is not moving, but it is perculating, meaning that soon it will start to ferment. Aha! Also, activities aren't happening, which means that I need to get them happening. Yay.

And I am enjoying the kids.

Si while I am tired, and overwhelmed, and wondering, "Am I heading in the right direction", I am also, generally, content, which is a good place to be.

Ummm

I feel really kind of .... at the moment, in that I don't know how to put it (not that it is a swear word!). I have a headache, but that isn't it. I still haven't finished the other house, but that isn't it (that isn't really true, of course, but I am feeling tragically fatalistic: How I feel is beyond the hopelessness of that place). It isn't the book, although it may be the complete and total absence of the book! It isn't the church, because that is keeping me right busy. It may well be study, which seems like a great and heavy weight at the moment (although I still find it very very interesting!).

I don't know. I am feeling bashfully embarrassed at the progress of this blog - as well as anything else in my life - but I also feel fatalistically realistic about it: I have just been too wrecked. My journal is no better off, and has much the same excuses. Oh, dear Lord, I don't know, I'm just worn thin and empty.

How many times have I typed/written/thought that? I so look forward to getting out of this slump, but I am still in it. I am worn out, but I am not out of it. I am struggling, and there is more coming. Soon I start EDU110, HST330, LCS31, LTR110, and VIS28, plus on campus studies starting up with LIT11, NOV21, NON11 and POE11. And at the moment, I don't feel like I'll ever be rid of HST310 and POI22!

I just want a break, and then be into what I am looking forward to and free of what I want to leave behind (don't we all!) But that is not how it is - don't I know it - and I've got to do what I've got to do, and I have to live for how it is, rather than how I wish, and this knowledge does not help me at all.

Hopefully, soon, my posts will be different.

The haze

I have just read The Name of the Rose by Umberto Eco in my in between times, and on the sixth day the abbey is enshrouded with fog, which obscures people, buildings, everything. This is perhaps a good analogy for how I feel, in that everything is a haze, obscured by tiredness. I am totally wrecked, and I mean totally. I am not sleeping well, I am working at the other house every day, I am worn out. Indeed, the only night recently I slept particularly well at all was the ohter night when I sat up late reading, and even then I still didn't have a long enough sleep. And I wake up every morning with a sore back as well.

I am worn out.

I have had to defer two units this SP; CMM26 and VIS 28. This is because I just couldn't keep up. I would have deferred the other two - HST310 and POI22 - but for various reasons I can't. And so I have had to take the day off from the other house to catch up on them, because I am too far behind.

I am worn out.

V. is just a haze. Music is just a haze. Everything is just a haze, and I just want to sleep.

Nothing's changed...but me >>> (....perhaps...?...?.)

Yesterday I felt so hopeless. I felt...well, yesterday's post kind of captures how I felt without the need for me to repeat it. Today, well today I feel a little better.

A little anyway.

I have been preparing my study materials for HST310, for which I need to complete an assignment el-mucho-quicko-fasto. I also have an assignment for CMM26 this week, although I haven't even touched CMM26 as per yet.

Admittedly, I haven't touched much of anything for this bunch of units accorss the board. That will have to change very quickly.

The other house isn't as hopeless as perhaps I have felt. It is starting to look really good, and while there are still some fiddly (and some more than fiddly) jobs to be done, it is in much better condition than it was, say, a couple of months ago.

And after it is done, things will change. It will be a busy year this year, but not so stupidly busy as it has been the last few months. On campus studies will be busy. Off campus studies will be busy. Church commitments will be busy. V. will be busy. Family life will be busy. However, it should not all be insurmountable.

Financially, we are struggling seeing as the house has gone on for so long, but in other ways we are not so bad as we were recently. So, I guess things are looking up.

Or perhaps I am just looking up. I don't know. I still feel not so good, but than again, I also feel not so bad. There is always hope, and now that I have started on HST310 it doesn't seem so bad, although there is still plenty of things that can go wrong....

Oh well....

Nowhere

How do I feel?

That is not really the question. The question is more, who do I feel like?

Well, at the moment, I don't feel like a writer. Then again, I don't feel like a student either. I don't feel like a builder, or tiler, or whatever. I don't feel like much of anything at all. I guess I feel like a failure. Moreso, I feel lost, or stuck in the middle of nowhere, going nowhere, the scenery never changing, no-one, nothing, emptiness... What is the point in crying out? What is the point in struggling on? What is the point in trying to be something?

But I guess I will.

I am sitting here, and Amelie is playing in the background - the superfluous piano music as Amelie skips stones on the Mont-Marte canal - and I feel the tears in my eyes (although, of course, there are none, but there is the feeling of wanting to cry for the beauty of it) and I know that I cannot stay here, wherever I am. I have to keep going if I am to get out of this emptiness.

I don't want to be a builder, or a tiler, or whatever.

I don't want to be a student (although I also don't think I ever want to stop being one either).

I want to get my book written, published, and get into the next one. I want to provide for my family in comfort, so that we can comfortably afford the lifestyle that we desire. I want to be able to read books I enjoy, and watch movies that inspire me, and listen to music that makes me feel like this. And I want to be an overcomer and an inspiration to others, most of all my children.

I need to get somewhere. I can't stay nowhere, or I'll go mad.